Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
Well really, who told you life was gonna be fair? I mean as long as can remember everyone has told me that life isn’t far so I don’t know why I was ever surprised when it wasn’t. Life doesn’t make the difference between what is fair or not….it just is. And it’s my belief that because we have heard over and over again that life isn’t fair that we expect it not to be fair. What about if we changed that belief and thought that life was what it is and fair has nothing to do with it. Just a little change of mindset. But mostly remember that life is simply life. It’s not out to get you. It’s flowing along and how you flow along with it, is up to you!
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
And another…and another….and another. Pretty soon you will find that you are not only making progress but getting quite far. Taking the small step is equivalent to staying in the moment. Today I can do this….do that and guess what you are moving forward and not stuck or standing still. It’s the small steps that make up the journey. Once you get to the destination you can turn around and go…wow, look how far I got….one step at a time! And every one of those steps will be meaningful to you.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
So true. Not only that but hating someone else doesn’t really effect them as much as it affects you. That hate stays in your body and is negative energy. Therefore it creates this place of darkness that colors YOUR world…it doesn’t color person’s world, chances are they don’t give you and your feelings about them a second thought. But it will slowly but surely eat away at you, change your persona, and create deep unhappiness. Think of it like a sore you don’t heal what happens then? That’s what hate does in your body. And please look at why you are hating…..are you really hurt at their behavior? A lot of time hurt or resentment leads to hate because the emotion of hate can be more empowering than the sadness attributed to hurt. But hate might have some power behind it but it is misdirected and completely negative energy that you need to eradicate from your life….not for the other person but for you!
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
It’s always been known that when the chips are down you find out who your real family and friends are. And family doesn’t just mean the ones you’re born into. Family is any of your friends that you have a bond with and spend time with…the family you created. Without those people your life will not be as rich. So cultivate strong bonds and interaction with those people you really, really like. And be there for them when they need you as real love exhibits. You’ ll be astounded how rewarding those relationships are. On the flip side, if you have negative relationships with your “born into” family, please do the right thing and learn how to let their negativity drop off of you like the water off a duck or find a way to remove that relationship from your life if it is unsaveable and unhealthy. Just cause they are family doesn’t mean they get to treat you badly.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
Boy am I wishing I had followed this wisdom. Credit cards are easy but can be detrimental to your life and lifestyle if you are not responsible. I have learned and am learning this lesson the hard way. There is something to be said about learning the hard way….you never forget. But the struggle is in preventing the lesson from ever being learned. Take care of knowing how your expenditures are in your life and live your life according to what you have at the moment…in this moment. Also remember that though this adage may be over used it makes it no less powerful, “The best things in life are free.” Figure out some of those things and do those!
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Really….you will be exhausted if you have to be right about everything with everyone. Allow the opinions of others. Not everyone will agree with you and you will not agree with everyone….that’s is what makes this world interesting. So instead of creating confrontation every time someone disagrees with you…open your mind to see their point of view…if you can’t then tell them that you, “politely decide to agree to disagree.” Then let the subject drop and move on.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
You know the adage “Two heads are better than one.” Well two hearts are stronger than one. Sometimes you need someone else to hear you, hold you, and simply be there. Often with my friends I see that hardly ever are we both sad on the same day. In infinite wisdom God has made it that when you need a hand to hold that person is able to extend it. And it that strength can help you overcome the hurt, pain, and sadness in a more timely manner or at least make it easier to bear when someone else is helping you hold it.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
Thank God for that. Seriously, getting angry is a human emotion…..and we’re human. So doesn’t it make sense that God would understand when we are frustrated, hurt, angry, etc and need to vent to above? I believe that God does. We have emotions for a reason….so let them out. God is there and so are your angels and guides to help you deal with that which is hardest to deal with. Getting angry and letting things out is a far healthier way of dealing with things than holding them inside. So get mad, stomp on the ground, even throw things to let stuff out if you need to. Then when you are done and you can get back to prayer know that God was there supporting you until you released what you want or needed to release. That’s the beauty of God, always there…always cares!
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
Oh how I wish someone had taught me this. If I had saved I wouldn’t have to be worrying so about finances. More that than it sets you up from the beginning to being one who saves and that is a mind set I didn’t get and wish I had. Doesn’t mean you have to be like Scrooge in the corner counting your pennies, but instead understand that they places you want to go and the things you want to do will cost money to do so be prepared for that trip to Italy out of the blue or that new car when you are ready to purchase. Be smart about money. Save for a rainy day and more than likely a rainy day might not come. But remember that saving helps you get more wishes coming true. That’s good incentive, right?
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
And unneccessary! Haven’t they determined it’s good for the heart? That’s no mistake eh?
11. Don’t forget everyone makes mistakes. (I added this one since they forgot 11)
See even someone with lots of wisdom can make a mistake. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES! We have become very intolerant of mistakes and the real truth is without them we wouldn’t learn. We are human and humans take the hard road almost every time….seems experience teaches us better than words. So let those mistakes be now understood to be teachers of where you don’t want to go, what you need to learn in the hardest way so you REALLY get it, and be flag poles to places in your journey where you changed the course. NO ONE IS PERFECT! Let me say that again, NO ONE IS PERFECT! It isn’t possible…so stop trying to be it. Just be you. The best you can be. And let go of the “mistakes” and embrace the wisdom they taught you!
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
In fact it is imperative to let them see you cry. They need to know that you are humans too. Being a parent with a child can have them look at you as if you can do it all and are in a way not human. Your kids follow your lead so if you can show them emotions handled in a healing and proper way then you are teaching a very valuable lesson. We tend to not like emotions in this world….why? They are the best indicators we have as to when we need to examine our lives. So cry when you need to ….show your children or even your family and friends that emotions are valid and important and knowing how to work with them is powerful in your life.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
There are a couple of adage that jump to mind in regard to this statement….they were probably written 90 years ago too. The first one is “the grass is always greener” and “until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes”. Both of these adage are speaking about how looking out at someone else’s life it may seem rosy and perfect compared to yours, however, you never know what that person’s personal pains are or what is really going on in their life. We have no idea the pains that people harbor. Everyone is here to learn something so how do you know that the lessons that person are learning are not ten times harder than the things you have to learn. Wanting something someone else has can be an instigator to you creating that in your own life….but there’s the key….you create it in your life for you. Let your life flow to what it needs to be!
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Absolutely true. If someone hides you or their feelings for you then the answer is simple THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU! Let me repeat that because that is a very strong statement…..if someone hides you, your relationship, or their feelings from the world then THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU! There isn’t enough excuses to treat you with rudeness or to deny a relationship. Remember that people can only treat you as badly as you let them treat you. So the minute you let someone dismiss you, your relationship, or the emotions involved if it occurs between you two then you are setting a bad precedent. You deserve better!!!
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
And Thank God for not blinking!!! And change does happen fast but it usually happens for a reason. What that reason is you have to decide. But try not to always see change as negative. Oftentimes change is for the good, for the better, to shake up your complacency. Don’t be afraid of change….be afraid of never changing!
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Deep breath is the simplest tool we have at our disposal for making our life better in the shortest amount of time. We humans are a society of fast-paced shallow breathers. Usually stressed and worried and not taking time to stop…smell the roses…and breathe deep breaths of their essence in. Stop right now as you are reading or hearing this…..right now take three deep breaths that fill up your lungs. Fill em up with air and goodness expanding to the furthest corners of the lungs. Then let out all the stress, worry, frustration, anger, hurt, etc with each breath. Now feel your body….does it feel lighter? Do your shoulders feel less tight? Do you feel a bit light headed and are you smiling? This is what breathing can do so please if you do nothing else….start taking deep breaths! Often!!!
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Okay we can all agree that life can be very short…right? So if that is the case, why would you want to spend one minute without the wonderful, beautiful, and joyful in your life. A good friend of me has a wonderful statement. He says, “That which does not champion you does not get to be in your life.” Think about that a champion is one that rescues, relieves, and comes to your aid in any way. So those people, experiences, job, places that you live, etc that do not fill you with joy or bring joy and lightness in your life…..extricate them and replace them with those things that do! Easy…not always….necessary….absolutely!
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
Again…an oldy but a goody! And absolutely true. We humans like to learn the hard way that sometimes the way we walk down is to a point that we might not get back up again. But being human means we are resilient…we usually get up. When we do we are stronger than when we got knocked back down because we have just learned something. And something you learn hard….you never forget. So as bad as it is….you will make it through….perhaps using the above wisdom of one step at a time. Whatever the case, once you make it through you will be stronger and probably uttering, “If I can get through that then I can do anything!”
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
Some of us had bad childhoods, some of us had good childhoods. Whatever the case that time is gone…it’s done…you are grown up. However, living today can be a happy childhood…one that you create. Perhaps you finger paint at home alone or with friends or family…why? Because it feels good and you tap into your inner desire. Maybe you eat ice cream for dinner. Why? Because you can and because it tastes sooo good! The wisdom here is live childlike with awe and wonder and lots and lots of laughter. Be free of the anger, frustration, and irritation that can come from the world of adults and dip into the pool of your childhood now in this age! Never let adulthood squash your childish wonder and joy! EVER!
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
That’s right. No is easy for people to tell you. No makes them not have to chase their dreams. No means everything stays status quo. No let’s you off the hook. But if you love something don’t you want to spend your life doing that? So what are you waiting for? Permission? Give yourself the permission to choose doing what you love and remember another wide adage “Do what you love and the money will come.” Someone made that up because it’s true….not go test it out!
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
We only have today. Right now…this moment. And it’s your life right and we’ve determined it’s kinda short…so why would you scrimp on you? Pamper yourself with the good stuff. Don’t you deserve it? And do it today because you know you have today….it’s a present…give to yourself!
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Do your due diligence. Make the effort to set yourself up and get things going. Do what you can to put things in motion and then “LET GO.” Let faith, hope, and trust make some magic in your life. Trust your spirit to direct you and motivate you to make things happen. Pay attention to inner stirrings asking you to make changes, switch directions and move forward. Do surrender with action!
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
Heck being eccentric allows you so much leeway. We admire people who are eccentric, don’t we? We may not admit it but someone who is free to be themselves with no constraints is someone who we wish we could be too….secretly! So be that someone all the time. I am telling you a truth here….no one is looking at you because they are too busy worrying about themselves. So break out of the box. Wear a purple tie. Dress in plaid. Be free to let the person you are out so they can play….and maybe meet someone just like them!
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
And no one ever should be in charge of your happiness. If you let someone be in charge of your happiness, then I can tell you that you won’t be happy. Because your emotions are yours to feel and express and expecting or wanting someone else to determine what you feel inside is an impossible task, therefore not only will you be hurt and frustrated at their inability to make you happy but they will feel as failures for not being able to accomplish what you want them too no matter how hard they try. You are the one that knows what makes you happy….so you go and do the work and make happiness your job. I guarantee that when you do that those around you will then feel happy because happiness spill over onto others…..so share the happiness wealth.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
Or in 5 months….or 5 days…or 5 minutes…..will this matter? I think often times not. What we deem disasters now might be pathways to opening up our world, introducing us to our future mates, creating amazing experiences, or breaking us free from restraints. Because of the above wisdom of “that which does not kills you makes you stronger” you know that any “disaster” is a way to grow and learn. In fact, look back in your life to times where you believe or believed a disaster occurred. Where are you now from then? Did you grow? Did you learn? Are you a better person for it? So understand that when large shake ups happen in our lives they happen to create vast change, change your path, or make you pay attention to something you’ve been ignoring!
26. Always choose life.
Cause what’s the alternative?
27. Forgive everyone everything.
This is a big one, and I will admit, not always an easy one. But let me tell you that forgiveness is not for the other person….it is for you. To forgive someone is huge. No matter the depth of the hurt if you leave tha anger, resentment, or pain sitting there it will fester and warp and grow and consume until you become a very bitter, angry, hurt individual and we’ve all met those people and they are not pleasant to be around. So, I ask you to forgive everyone…even those that seem unforgivable. Why? Because to forgive is to allow the concept that everyone makes mistakes and that you understand that it could have been you making that mistake and wouldn’t you want forgiveness from someone too? Step outside the emotions and see the outcome. To hold on to the emotions that you have to need forgiveness is exhausting and debilitating. So to forgive is to allow release of all that you were holding onto. Doesn’t mean you have to become their best friend…..but you have unhooked the chains that were holding you down. You are free to move without restraint. And that is why they say forgiveness is divine.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
And shouldn’t be taken personally because what people think of others often time is THEIR issue about themselves. That means that looking at you and judging you is coming from their own hurts and insecurities. Those things you have no control over and shouldn’t be defined by, so don’t worry what others think about you and certainly don’t base your life on anything someone says or thinks about you. How limiting that would be. Instead say okay, thanks for the input, and ask yourself what you think, then move on.
29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
Time = patience. Patience = a horrible word that we all need to learn a lot about. First off understand that the world does not flow in the linear time field that we live in. We have hours, minutes, days, etc to measure the time but then what we want is to shove our wants, desires, needs, etc into those hours, minutes, and seconds and would REALLY like to create and control our world to fall within certain time parameters that we create. But here’s the kicker….that rarely happens. Why? Because time flows and things occur when they are supposed to and not when we demand them to. So time is our healer, growth expert, and lesson planner. Anything we feel or want can have a decision or an outcome if we allow for the time to flow and no better. Problem is…we think we know better. So next time you get hurt just put that pain in the place for healing and let time work its magic. You’ll be surprised how it works out just perfectly that way.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Quickly and without notice. Another reason to be in the moment and enjoy it! But know that things change in a blink of an eye and from one moment of good you can be in the bottom of the bad. If you are there….be there. But know that as fast as it became one thing….it can become another. Change happens no matter what….let it be.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Life is too short to be taking everything so seriously. Laugh more. And once in a while listen to what your say. You might be astounded to hear how seriously you take your self and your words. When you hear that….giggle. That will change everything I assure you. But remember that life is to be lived with love, happiness and joy….seriousness really takes a bite out of that.
32. Believe in miracles.
Cause they happen all the time. Big ones like a bullet just missing a heart. To small ones like finding the number of the person you met who made your heart go pitty patter. Remember how many miracles we witness every moment of every day. You’re breathing. You can see. You can sleep in a bed tonight. You can laugh. You understand your thoughts. You can hear. There is music. You can walk. Your children are healthy. Etc….do you see where I am going with this. Your blessings are miracles! Don’t forget to say thank you!
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
Yay, we’re pretty lucky in this regard. It’s not about what we do or don’t do that allows God to love and protect us….God just does no matter what. You can’t be nicer and have God love you more. You can’t be mean and have hurt someone and have God love you less. You just be and God loves!
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Again let’s go back to life is short. So make the most of it. I guarantee that there is not a lot of people on their death bed who say, “I wish I had worked longer hours at my job.” Or anyone saying, “I wish I hadn’t traveled all those places in my lifetime.” Life should be fun, exciting, amazing, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud, a roller coaster and you should come across the finish line of life with scrapes, bruises, and a huge smile on your face. What are you waiting for….life is now….go live it!
35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
So honor that growth. Pay respect to the you that has earned the badge of wisdom. In this country there is such a struggle against aging…why? When you are older things get less crazy….you can let go and be. So wrap your arms around your age and love it ! Because I know most people would never want to be 20 again!
36. Your children get only one childhood.
So remember they are children…they aren’t little clones of you or a second chance to have your dreams realized. They are here for their own life and own dreams. Be loving, support them, and teach them from what you have learned. But also remember how wonderful it felt to stay out till dark during the summer, to walk barefoot all summer long, to sleep out in a tent, to have your first heartbreak, etc. Remember what it felt to be a child, what was important to you, and give that gift to your kids. They won’t remember when they are older that the house had the cleanest floor, but they will remember the time you had a marshmallow fight. They won’t remember that laundry was always done on Sunday and the toilets were spotless. They will remember the day you let them stay in their jammies all day and have pancakes for dinner…..get the point. Be childlike and give your child the gifts that you know they will treasure….time with you!
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
With your whole heart and without conditions. Love is the thing! It is what we all strive for! Think about what is the best compliment someone can give about someone who has passed on? “They were loved!” Remember to be loved you must give love. So give it freely and without limitations and conditions (but smartly too) Take chances on love even if you’ve been hurt. Believe that love is stong and powerful and let it lead your life…..you won’t be disappointed!
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
So true…the world is a miracle. And if you are having a bad day a walk will change everything. More than that….when you step outside of your world then you allow for other things to flow through it. By walking, going new places, taking chances you increase your opportunity for miracles to find you!
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
This is back to the “grass is greener” philosophy. We never know what is going on in other’s lives. Pain and hurt are secretive and because of our worry of judgement and condemnation we like it that way. So while you may think that you have it bad….there is always someone else that has it worse. Don’t ever lose the gift of compassion and empathy because there are many that need it and you may not know who they are. That is why being a person of love to others every day is so important. It may be that your smile is the only good thing that happens to someone during your day. We don’t always know things….believe that there is suffering where we would never expect it.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Any emotion where you wishing for something or someone somebody else has is unnecessary. While you may not have all that you wish for what you have right now is extraordinary. Go back to the basics of blessings. That puts everything in perspective. Then remember that if you want something similar to someone else then you have to do the work to get it. But simply sitting around being irritated that someone got something you didn’t is a worthless waste of time and energy….not even going where the negativity of that situation will get you. If it’s something you can obtain, then find that person and ask them how they got it and if they could teach you. Or figure a way to get it. But envy is never a motivating tool….and it’s fruitless.
41. The best is yet to come.
And you never know what it will be. Always put your intentions out into the Universe in whatever manner you want…writing them down and burying in them in the backyard, using a journal, visualization and meditation, whatever method works for you…put is out there! Let God know what you want….then let go and let it flow! Boy, won’t you be surprised by the outcome!
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Have the battle is getting there….so use every day and every minute to be involved in your life now! Don’t slack off and be in a waiting game. Make things happen now, even if you are frustrated or worried, make the moves and feel the energy shift around you. You got this moment….if it was your last what would you want it to contain? I know you would want your hair combed at least, right?
43. Yield.
The best decision makers in the world know this secret….wait for a moment before talking, reacting, etc. And many of the greatest leaders don’t push out in front of others….they wait and walk slowly and lead by example. Think before you talk. Listen more than you speak. Yield to see where you are going and is it safe? Yeild…..a simply pause can make such a difference.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
That’s why it’s called “the present.” So what is your gift? How is it wrapped? What’s in the box? This is the adventure of being human…your life is a gift and you don’t always know what you’re getting but still no matter what you will be happy to write the thank you note!
