This last week I took a vacation. I traveled to a beautiful location sans children and decided to truly pamper myself by letting go of all the issues that I hold in my head everyday….you know the ones….paying the bills, getting the kids to school, trying to find a job, staying happy. Life. I needed to check out from life. Take a sabbatical from the day to day.
So many people said, “Oh how nice, I wish I could do that.” Some even said “I have never done that.” And still others said, “I could never do that.” I will admit that as raised off the tarmac to my location that I tried to have some bit of remorse or guilt, but there was none. Every day I do my best to be a good, caring, fun-loving mom who cracks the whip at the right time and holds their hand at the hard times. I do my best to provide wholesome meals. I listen to their dreams. I tuck them in.
And this vacation came at what most people would say is a terrible time. I just left a job that was not fulfilling me and needed to end, I know that most of you might be cringing given the current job market. But it was time for me to determine what it is I want to truly be doing with my life. This question doesn’t always arise at the most opportune time. Like most big decisions and changes it comes when it needs to, not when you want it to. Therefore, I found myself looking at online degrees, temporary agency phone numbers, and the vast internet world that is Craigslist.
On this vacation I visited family and friends. I was lucky enough to have accommodations the whole time and to have the opportunity to share some time with people I had been disconnected to for too long. I looked at the sky. I smelled the air. I breathed a little easier. I laughed a lot. I cried a bit. But mostly I was just me for six whole days. I wasn’t connected to smaller versions of me. I wasn’t holding up the exterior for someone else’s company. I was simply being with myself and letting things come as they may.
As I was on this vacation I started thinking about where I wanted to go in my life. I have spent the last three years trying to build my book and speaking calendar. It is something I believe in deeply and always will. However, I am realizing that perhaps my dreams aren’t going to pay my mortgage. It’s not that it won’t “happen”; it’s just that I need to start thinking how I can put my dreams to use in the world occurring until my ship docks at my pier. This was a struggle for me at first. I realized that I had been keeping myself in a holding pattern waiting for something to define me. That was the key….I was defining myself by “what will happen” not by what was happening right now.
It is scary to admit or even simply whisper to yourself that you need to move to a new lane on the road of your life. I have learned so much about myself, what I want, who I want in my life, and where I want my final driveway to begin. I think that now I need to put practicality with the amazing strength of my beliefs and see what that combination concocts.
So while my vacation is over and I am back to being Mom, I will take with me what I learned during my holiday…..that the world is vast and open and anything is possible even with all the opinions to the contrary. I can re-invent myself anytime I want, I mean look at Madonna. And where I go or what I do is entirely up to me, faith, and the absolute truth that where I need to be I will be at the precise moment I should be. The whole adage “everything happens for a reason” and “it’s all about timing” are spoken often for a reason….therefore I think I will take my new found relaxation and apply it to this idea and let my life be like an old coffee pot and percolate and see what the brew turns out to be.
