Life as I know it….games! April 19, 2009

Life as I know it….

 

While reading an email a friend of mine sent about a woman in her middle ages trying on a bathing suit, I found myself laughing hilariously and crying in sisterhood, I decided that I needed to start a new blog.  I needed to write a blog about life…my life….as I know it and live it every day.  Some of you will understand and will think that we were Siamese twins separated at birth.  Some of you will think…poor woman.  Others will laugh and say, “that will never happen to me”.  Oh how the might have fallen.

 

Whatever the case I decided that being a good writer is writing about what you know.  Well I know lots. I have learned lots.  I am still learning lots.  This is not a game of Life as I thought as a child.  You know you get in your little plastic car and land on all the important spots like college, job, marriage, children, etc.  What life really is…the game of Twister.  Right foot yellow, left hand green, left foot red….and try not to fall down in between…that’s the real game we are all playing here.

 

What do I know?  That whatever you think you know now there is always more that someone can teach you.  Let’s take patience.  I know I was the most impatient of people as I popped out of my mother’s womb.  Immediately I was like, where’s the food?  And then I cried, “Where’s my blanket, binky, bed, book….etc”.  Being an only child I was lucky because I never had to fight anyone for the last piece of cake but I also didn’t have anyone to torment.  I was given a lot I admit it.  But I also had responsibility, roles, and the whole era of “children should be seen and not heard” drummed into my head.  Unfortunately for my parents that last part never stuck.  I mean, I was an only child and I had to talk to someone so I chose them and their friends, it was better than the walls in my room.

 

After managing the Candy Land version of my life in my youth I set out into the world with a diploma and not much else.  No one had told me that the world was my oyster and I guess I wasn’t paying too close attention to the roadways of the Life game so I did things a bit ass backwards.  I filled my card with college then I was lost without a map on a 40 lane interstate highway in my little plastic life car.  Completely unequipped to handle the traffic zooming by I floated in the drift of others.  I drove around a lot and hoped that someone would see my inexperience at driving my Life car and send in a tow truck, but that never happened.

 

Instead I found myself a guy that didn’t annoy me too much and seemed able to take care of me and set up a new game that looked sort of like Mousetrap.  I built on a foundation of inexperience and feeling my way through things like marriage, trying to find a career, having and raising kids, and being perfect inside and out.  Like the game of Mouse Trap it was a precarious lifestyle.  Some parts I was really good at like being a mom.  Some parts I was adequate at like putting up with a person that was my mate that I had not much in common with. Other things I simply felt my through hoping that the new plastic pieces of the Mouse Trap would hold everything together. Instead, like that game usually ends as well, everything fell down and I had to begin again.

 

Being a divorced mom of two was a new challenge.  It also comprised a lot of new games into my life.  Such as Mystery Date as I tried to find a man to date that wasn’t either emotionally closed off or mysteriously too attentive.  I also had to begin at “Go” like Monopoly tying to find a career and stockpile enough money to take care of me, my kids, their college tuition, mortgages, and the many drinks it would take to get me through it all.   

 

What I have ended up with is my own game.  It doesn’t have a name right now but I am thinking the Real Game of Life might be a good one.  I am working through abandonment issues by most of the men in my life.  I am trying to balance two kids with their own plastic cars moving down the highway.  I am looking to find a place where I can bring in money to support myself and also find a place of peace where I don’t have to drink a bottle of wine every night with a chaser of valium to go to sleep.

 

This game isn’t easy.  In fact, there are days when I feel like I, as the woman in the dressing room trying on bathing suits felt, am walking around with a transparent suit on and everyone can see my pains.  But you know what, it doesn’t matter if I am unable to get my right foot to green anymore cause it hurts my hamstrings, all that matters is that I am still playing the game.  I may have fallen down a lot but I still can get back up.  And as long as that is true I may just be able to maneuver my little plastic car up to the big mansion waiting at the end of the Life game and have a huge party with my girlfriends that jumped in the backseat of my car. 

 

Life as I know it is hard sometimes and wonderful at others.  Life as I know it is a game but it’s absolutely worth playing.  Life as I know it is beautiful because every morning I open my eyes and anything and everything is possible.  Life as I know it …..is!

What I learned from my vacation…. March 24, 2009

This last week I took a vacation.  I traveled to a beautiful location sans children and decided to truly pamper myself by letting go of all the issues that I hold in my head everyday….you know the ones….paying the bills, getting the kids to school, trying to find a job, staying happy.  Life.  I needed to check out from life.  Take a sabbatical from the day to day. 

 

So many people said, “Oh how nice, I wish I could do that.”  Some even said “I have never done that.”  And still others said, “I could never do that.”  I will admit that as raised off the tarmac to my location that I tried to have some bit of remorse or guilt, but there was none. Every day I do my best to be a good, caring, fun-loving mom who cracks the whip at the right time and holds their hand at the hard times.  I do my best to provide wholesome meals.  I listen to their dreams.  I tuck them in. 

 

And this vacation came at what most people would say is a terrible time.  I just left a job that was not fulfilling me and needed to end, I know that most of you might be cringing given the current job market.  But it was time for me to determine what it is I want to truly be doing with my life.  This question doesn’t always arise at the most opportune time.  Like most big decisions and changes it comes when it needs to, not when you want it to.  Therefore, I found myself looking at online degrees, temporary agency phone numbers, and the vast internet world that is Craigslist. 

 

On this vacation I visited family and friends.  I was lucky enough to have accommodations the whole time and to have the opportunity to share some time with people I had been disconnected to for too long.  I looked at the sky.  I smelled the air.  I breathed a little easier.  I laughed a lot.  I cried a bit.  But mostly I was just me for six whole days.  I wasn’t connected to smaller versions of me.  I wasn’t holding up the exterior for someone else’s company.  I was simply being with myself and letting things come as they may. 

 

As I was on this vacation I started thinking about where I wanted to go in my life.  I have spent the last three years trying to build my book and speaking calendar.  It is something I believe in deeply and always will.  However, I am realizing that perhaps my dreams aren’t going to pay my mortgage.  It’s not that it won’t “happen”; it’s just that I need to start thinking how I can put my dreams to use in the world occurring until my ship docks at my pier.  This was a struggle for me at first.  I realized that I had been keeping myself in a holding pattern waiting for something to define me.  That was the key….I was defining myself by “what will happen” not by what was happening right now.

 

It is scary to admit or even simply whisper to yourself that you need to move to a new lane on the road of your life.  I have learned so much about myself, what I want, who I want in my life, and where I want my final driveway to begin.  I think that now I need to put practicality with the amazing strength of my beliefs and see what that combination concocts. 

 

So while my vacation is over and I am back to being Mom, I will take with me what I learned during my holiday…..that the world is vast and open and anything is possible even with all the opinions to the contrary.  I can re-invent myself anytime I want, I mean look at Madonna.  And where I go or what I do is entirely up to me, faith, and the absolute truth that where I need to be I will be at the precise moment I should be.  The whole adage “everything happens for a reason” and “it’s all about timing” are spoken often for a reason….therefore I think I will take my new found relaxation and apply it to this idea and let my life be like an old coffee pot and percolate and see what the brew turns out to be.

How is the New Year going??? January 12, 2009

It’s halfway through January and I am wondering how everyone is doing with those resolutions. I know today at the gym every machine was filled and the stream of people kept flowing the whole time I was there. It’s not certain if that New Years played into the equation but I would suspect so. New Years resolutions add on the pressure. The idea that what you whispered or yelled out (whatever your inebriation level was) on the striking of midnight this 2009 year was to create a change in you….that is a powerful utterance indeed.

However, we think about our resolutions. We even project resolutions. You know we all say, “When January rolls around I am going to start over.” And that allowance let’s us let things slide in our lives. That is a lot of power!

Are resolutions good or bad? I think that they have their purpose and like kindergarten are good fundamentals to getting started in the change in our lives. But instead of being a building block they become this huge weight that we tie around our necks and feel like a failure if we don’t complete them. Like New Year’s Eve itself that is given huge weight to be the “best night of the year” these resolutions we make are filled with portent.

I think that instead of creating a placard of what we actually think we haven’t been doing we should throughout the year give ourselves mini resolutions that are obtainable and achievable. These mini resolutions will allow us to see progress in our life without the humiliation of not accomplishing one huge resolution.

So my idea is to let the spirit of New Years exist throughout the year with mini New Years celebrations and resolutions that slowly move you to the place farther and farther up your evolutionary growth pattern. As you grow your mini resolutions will grow and your life will expand.

Dear Carol, August 5, 2008

Today I received an email from the Fairy Godmother site that followed a theme. It seemed that today was a day where women around me were doubting themselves. I even went there myself….perhaps it was because I let myself look at all those trashy magazines this weekend. You know the ones that show all the stars and how they got skinny two weeks after they have their baby….I know, my fault.

We women are the hardest on ourselves than anyone EVER could be. We see our faults glaring out at us in mirrors, car windows, and any reflection we see. Why do we do that? How is it possible that we see only the surface and don’t see the amazing and incredible hearts, souls, minds, and feelings that we are made of? I know that this society is hard on the average woman, but not as hard as we are on ourselves.

After talking to my friend today and hearing her say to me that she was worried that a recent date hadn’t contacted her because of her weight I told her, “if he didn’t, then he is not the spectacular man for you.” And that is the absolute truth! Now we simply have to convince ourselves of that fact. How do we do that?

So I have a game plan and it’s simple. Let’s choose to love ourselves. I mean, if we love ourselves then chances are that we won’t let anyone talk bad about us…..even us. And even better, if we love ourselves we will only let the best possible people, and men, into our lives!

Below is my response to Carol who wrote to me today, I hope that she sees this and takes it to heart. I hope all of you that read it do the same!

Carol,

Oh my dear and wonderful woman,

Please do not feel that eHarmony has any real idea on how to find you a man. It is a tool and it seems to me that you are so sure of what you want that their vague criteria is not specific enough for you. I have done many of the on line sites and I will tell you completely and absolutely that while these sites are good ways for you to get out and get dating, they have a lot of flaws.

Saying that, I want you to know that you don’t have any flaws when it comes to what you want in a man. So I would suggest that you write down on paper what it is that you are looking for. Create lists such as: what he would be like personally, physically, emotionally, then what you want to be like in the relationship, what you want to be in your life, how the relationship should fit into YOUR world. These items will help you discern what is important. But remember that the biggest item on the list is you and what you want to exist in your world.

Then I would suggest that you find what you like to do!!! What makes you laugh? What makes you happy? What makes your heart race? Then go and do that! When you are out in the world making yourself happy then you will find someone that enjoys what you like.

See first comes the relationship with yourself….when that is healthy, whole, and happy then will come the relationship with your divine equivalent. It takes time for our Higher Power to know when the right time is for you to trip over him or for him to fall over you! That is worth waiting for. In the meantime, go have a ball! Travel, laugh, see movies, drink martini’s, laugh out loud, take risks, find bliss in every day….these are the stepping stones to loving yourself so much that you will only let the most amazing of men into your life!!!

I hope that helps! Log off eHarmony and sign up for a class. Then if you still want to get out into the dating world and are willing to be honest, fearless, and patient then get out into the world. That is where he is………go find him!

Lorena Bathey

Fairy Godmother!

Do we still believe in miracles? July 6, 2008

Remember when we were little and we believed that we could become rock stars, famous actors/actresses, major league baseball players, or marry Donny Osmond?

We believed without hesitation that anything was possible.  That the world worked for those that dreamed and dreamed big.  We believed in astronauts, race car drivers, and finding our soul mates.  But recently I see that miracles, dreams, and wishes have been taking a big hit.  Of course, there are troubling times afoot, but isn’t there always?  What has happened to our sunny and optomistic outlook at life?

I must say that I have had my share of stumbles and trips on the path of believing in miracles.  Starting over in my life at a later age with two kids, a dog, mortgages, and wrinkles swayed my belief that miracles could occur.  Of course, it would have been nice if my fairy godmother had arrived and waved her magic wand to create the life of my dreams, but that wasn’t the case.  In fact, I had to discover that wand myself and create the magic myself.

And there in lies the belief being shaken to the core.  Miracles are supposed to appear out of nowhere.  Miracles are supposed to be big and monumental.  Miracles and wishes are supposed to be sparkly and covered with fairy dust.  That’s the way we were taught, right?

But I discovered that miracles are in the little things.  They are the moment when you realize that you paid all your bills and still have some left over in the bank account.  They are when you spend a Saturday night on the couch watching a good movie with a bowl of popcorn and are smiling the whole time.  They are the moments when you look at what you have learned in the past day, month, year, or decade and see the growth in yourself.  They are finding a ten dollar bill in your pocket you didn’t expect.  They are when you hit all the green lights trying to get to work in the morning.  These are little and unexpected miracles.

And miracles change all the time because what you want in your life changes.  When I was 12 I did want to marry Donny Osmond….not now!! However, I think the basis of all the miracles and dreams that we made when we were 12 or at whatever age we are is the same…..we want to be happy!

Happiness is the true miracle we seek.  All the things we want or dream about we do so because ultimately they will make us happy!  So, I do believe that miracles still exist because happiness exists.  What we need to do is to change the miracle of our lives to be the happiness that exists.  And instead of wishing for the red Porsche Carrera….wish for the happiness that freedom, speed, and the color red provide.  That is a miracle that is obtained easily….simply smile!

So yes, we still believe in miracles….we simply have to redefine what constitutes one today!

Peace and Blessings,

Lorena

It’s been a long time…. May 15, 2008

…since I’ve written. I’m not sure that I have any amazing excuse except life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. However, I will say that while I am a writer by profession sometimes that is the last thing I want to do. I think also that things in the Universe have been a bit testy lately and I have been feeling the full brunt of that energy, or lack there of.

Isn’t it interesting that sometimes in life we find ourselves in a place of simply getting through. I mean that we wake up each morning and take care of all the things we need to do like showers, clothing, breakfast, getting the kids off, getting to work, smiling, laughing, interacting with people, but it seems as though something is lacking. It’s almost as if we are on autopilot. Does this happen to you?

Well, I’ve been having a lot of this recently and it rather disturbed me as I am usually a high energy go for it kind of gal. I found that getting all the things done that I needed to do in a day was like scaling the peak of Mt. Everest. And while I accomplished all the tasks it was with much humphing and growling inside. This place began to worry me as I seemed to be simply existing in my world. That is a crime I try never to commit and so this sense of disconnect seemed truly vile and yet unsurmountable at the same time.

Therefore I decided that something must be done. Was it time to take the Suburban Cocktail of anti-depressants and mood enhancers? Was it time to move myself into something more structure and safe? Was it time to simply give it up and let things go and stop trying to take care of every single aspect of my life? This is the crossroads I found myself at. And it was in that instant that I decided that I needed to get quiet and hear myself speak. That is where the disconnect had occurred. I had gotten lost in the day-to-day and forgot to make time for myself to speak to…myself.

So the next day I took a walk. I left my iPod at home and just walked. I didn’t need to worry about the route as that was set up as always. I just walked. Felt my feet hitting the pavement. Listened to the birds squawking in the trees. Felt the sun on my face and the wind brushing my cheek. And I felt the ache in my shins and the heaviness of my feet. It seemed my legs had too become mired in the day to day and needed to be reminded about how much they loved to walk. And while walking I got still. I heard myself say….”What are you doing running around so fast and not watching where you are going?”

Not watching where I am going….hmm. That I needed to ponder. Because I wasn’t watching. Just like when you drive past your exit on the freeway cause you just didn’t see it. I had lost myself in the “things” of the world and forgotten about the “being” of the world. And in that moment as I trudged through my walk I realized how simple it was to lose the grasp of who we are and why we are here.

Today I want you to look around and see are you lost in the “things” of your life? Are you consumed with your bills, car breaking, job dissatisfaction, boyfriend/girlfriend problems, family issues, sadness, lack, etc. If so, then now is the time for you to take your “walk” and start hearing yourself. Get yourself back to who you are and the wonder of being in the moment. Of appreciating your life. This is it….right now….your life. So make the most of it!

Lorena Bathey

www.beyourfairygodmother.com

It’s beginning to feel like Spring! February 26, 2008

The rain has been drizzling all weekend and today when it cleared up I started out to see the outcome of all that precipitation. The hills where I live are green as can be with little yellow mustard seeds starting to pop up. The sky is brilliant blue with big puffy clouds moving quickly across the expanse. In all, a beautiful pre-Spring day.

It seems that Winter was extraordinarily cold this year. Not just in regards to the heating bill. Last year was a tough slogging through of stuff we needed to deal with. Relationships fell to the wayside. Jobs changed. Things just seemed to be hard to handle on many levels. We had to deal with the hardest issues that we could deal with. We had to look in our mirrors and see that we weren’t the fairest in the land. It was a tough time, with illness, lack, and hardships leading the way.

But today as I walked in the brilliant sunshine floating from the clouds I thought that this year…2008 was going to be different. It feels as if I, and many others, have shed 2007 like a snake sheds it skin. Left dry, brittle and crackling on the floor 2007 was a year for struggle that lead to amazing insights into who we are. Now with the new year upon us it feels as if everything is about to burst forth just like the flowers on the hills.

I’m ready for that!!! I am ready for my bliss to be my livelihood. I’m ready to see those around me who have struggled be rewarded with following their dreams. And I am ready to set out into the world as a new creature without some baggage that needed to be stored at the bus depot and the key lost. I believe that the whole world is ready for what the earth is ready to manifest. It’s time to change that which we have allowed to be stuck on us. It is time to become that which we had believed not possible. It’s time to take chances.  It is time to burst through like a flower that’s been slumbering through Winter. It’s time….

So what are you waiting for? Get ready to shine, support, grow, begin, love, laugh, travel, bask in the sun, bask in adoration, fall in love, begin again, find your bliss, grow your life, be the truth and power of happiness, formulate a path worth taking, and get off that treadmill of sameness that you’ve been walking on all your life. Create your visions for your life and make them real….it’s time now! It’s Spring now!

Lorena

08-08-08 January 17, 2008

That is my birthday this year!  Pretty spectacular, huh?  All those 8’s mean ties to infinity.  Truthfully, I am just glad to be out of ‘07!  For some reason last year seemed to be the year of falling down, scraping knees, and lots of Bactine.  But ‘08 seems to be great!  Why?  It seems that when a year has been a struggle that by the end of it you are just clawing your way to the finish line of New Years.  This New Years was different for me.

I decided to go out this year since my kids were spending the evening with their dad.  It was the first time in a few years that I the chance to go and party on that infamous party night.  I attended a roaring singles jam with some friends and all I could think about was that by 12:00 I wanted to be by myself!  I didn’t want to kiss a slobbery stranger.  I didn’t want to peck a friend’s cheek.  I wanted to stand outside under the brilliant and crisp sky and hug myself into this year of 2008.  And that’s just what I did.

At 12:00 I stood outside still decked out in my party attire and waited.  I knew I was a minute away but I didn’t need the huge ball from Time’s Square to notify me.  At 12:01 I felt it.  All of a sudden my feet felt like they hit the ground with a thud, even though they were squarely on the earth at the time.  At 12:01 I felt the air around me still and a rhythmic beating in my heart seem to steady.  At 12:01 I knew that this year, the year of 2008, was going to be my greatest year yet.  I knew in my heart even before I heard the cacophony of sound erupt from the neighboring houses, that this year had just settled in around me like a warm coat to create a time of stupendous abundance and my dreams that I had worked so hard to build to come to fruition.  At 12:01 on January 1st, 2008 I knew……..

Shaking my head…. December 13, 2007

Today was a day where it felt as if someone slapped me in the stomach so hard that I fell down. Ever have one of those days? It started innocently enough….I called my bank to check on a discrepancy and before you know it I was spending 2 hours in the local branch to rectify what looked like fraud. Wow, someone got into my checking account and took quite a bit of money, and then got out and no one knew what had happened, especially not my bank.

The idea that someone can access something that is supposed to be secure makes you very uneasy. From that feeling comes an avalanche of “what ifs” and “oh my god’s” which basically take you swirling down the pit of fear, insecurity, and worry. Trying to sink my nails into the side of the pit and not go there, I found that I had to put my fate into the hands of a stranger. Then I had to do the hardest thing of all, have faith that she would would what she said. And even more, I had do some hard facing of reality.

You see, recently I’ve been following my bliss and decided that writing and speaking was my calling. And it is too. I haven’t given up on what I know to be true. But what I realized as I was getting myself mightly worked up over the lost money and the idea behind the perpetrator, was that it was just money. In the big scheme of things it seems important this concept of money. I mean we worry about it, we obsesses over it, we never seem to have enough of it, we lose it, we control others with it…..and really it’s simply paper or metal. I know you’re saying….but you can’t survive without it. Really…..no, really? Can you survive? Yes, you can. Can you live the way we think we are supposed to without it? Probably not.

And in all that freaking out and hysteria about the violation and the loss I realized something……were my kids hurt? Was I hurt? Could I see, move, hear, think, get myself some coffee? Did those I love wake up and breathe this morning? Was there food in my refrigerator? Can I hug my kids and feel their love? Did I sleep in a bed with covers in a heated room? This is what I realized…..I was lucky!!

I had everything that really is important. I have love in my life. I have health. I have comfort. I have a lot. So I don’t have what I deem to be enough….right now. It’s here and moving in my vicinity. Time just isn’t right yet. But while I wait for that moment and even when it comes, I need to always remember that what is wealth isn’t in dollars and cents. What is wealth is love, peace, truth, care, smiles, tears, and the ability to write my stories here.

We have wealth in every moment and in every day. But we have to remember what the wealth is and not get sidetracked by what others or society says it is. If we all remembered that hugging our kids or loved ones is wealth, then it wouldn’t be so big a deal when our bank account doesn’t add up.

After some time in the bank and a wonderful woman who worked there helping me, I found out that the issue could be dealt with and that it wasn’t as traumatic as I had thought. So where I started this morning I moved far away from. And so now, I know I am never lacking because every day I can hug my kids and feel their loving arms wrap around me and tell me, “Mommy, I love you”. So see, I’m rich beyond measure!

Lorena

Are you sick of carols yet? December 9, 2007

It’s a brisk and chilly December morning and I was planning to take a walk, until I stepped outside.  While I know most of the world is knee deep in snow, I am a California girl and seeing frost on the grass does give me pause.  That being said I do enjoy this time of year.  The cuddly feeling you get of wanting a fire, some hot cocoa with marshmallows, and holiday songs wafting in the background.

 The problem is that the carols and the holiday spirit didn’t start on December 1st, it started sometime in November so honestly, I’m already a bit holiday’d out by now.  Sad isn’t it.  Do you remember what the holidays were like when you were a kid?  The anticipation and excitement.  The endless talking about what you wanted.  Looking at the catalogs or just thinking about what you would do with the item once it was wrapped up and put in your hand.  Those were glorious times. 

Now it seems like December flies by with the holidays being a mad dash of presents, wrapping, seeing everyone in the world, traveling with a bizillon other people, and finally waking up the day after the holiday going…..what just happened?  Good question, what happened to the holidays? 

What used to be about family, getting together and enjoying the bliss of sharing has become a spending free for all with most people in great angst about what they got someone.  I remember the first time I purchased a present for someone at a discount store.  It was an awesome present and I knew the person would love it, but I was worried that they might think less of the gift because I hadn’t paid full price for it.  Now, why should that factor into the equation?  It’s a wonderful gift that was just what they wanted, who cares how much I paid for it.  In fact, I should be bragging all over that I was able to find this stupendous gift at a discount.  But I felt guilty.  Guilty that I was in some way gipping the person because I hadn’t spent more for the gift.  I lost the persepective!  It wasn’t about how much it cost, it was about the thought that the person was really going to love it. 

I was noticing the other day how different the feeling is at stores during this time of year.  The lanquid walking and looking seems to go the way of the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.  Instead there is a frantic flurry from people as they swing their heads back and forth trying to see the perfect gift for those on their lists.  Walking through the stores people are pushing a bit more, clearly more irritated, and what little patience they had on a regular day of shopping is GONE!!!  The sounds of the holidays really should be the deep and irritated sighs being made behind you as you pay for your holiday item.

So let’s get back to reality.  What are the holidays all about…..I know you see many of these articles at this time of year, but I am going to very real.  Think back to the idea of what holidays are about.  First and foremost it was about getting together with friends and family.  That means, if you don’t like your family…then go and see your friends.  Seeing people you love is what this holiday is about.  But like good human beings we have made sure to sling a whole lot of guilt around this holiday.  I mean, what if you’d rather spend your holidays in Hawaii having a pina colada and basking up the sun instead of trudging through the snow at Aunt Ethel’s house?  Then pack your bags for Hawaii and let Aunt Ethel know that you will be there to visit for 4th of July. 

See if you force yourself to celebrate something in a way that everyone else deems appropriate, then you aren’t really celebrating, are you?  It is okay to tell your family that you need to get away right now and you will be celebrating the holidays on Columbus Day!  Think about it really, your family doesn’t care when you visit as long as you visit. 

That being said, don’t forget that the true meaning of the holidays is giving.  Giving is not always a tangible item.  Perhaps giving is actually going to spend time with the relatives that love you without the begrudging feeling of “wish I wasn’t here” attached.  Remember, those people aren’t always going to be around.  Trust me, I know. 

Six years ago my Mom passed away.  It was hard watching someone as young as she was losing a battle with cancer.  And while I knew my life would be different, I didn’t know how much so.  The first thing I realized is that Christmas for me would never be the same.  My Mom had loved….let me repeat that….LOVED the holidays.  This was a time when she really just shined like a beacon in the holiday frenzy.  She would create the most festive home and even hot buttered rums were part of the set.  I loved it.  The tree was always gorgeous and many presents were under the tree impeccably wrapped.  Let’s face it I was a kid so the fact that many of the presents were for me was alright in my book. 

But my Mom didn’t stop there.  The cookies she made were amazing, melt in your mouth, delectable little pockets of bliss.  Dinner at her home was never just thrown together, she planned the menu for weeks.  Courses were included and always for dessert her Christmas Bread Pudding with Vanilla Sauce.  It was picture perfect and very real to me. 

When she died, the celebration just went right out of me.  That was tough too because I had two little kids of my own that were in the place I had been as a child.  I couldn’t let them down, but my heart just wasn’t in it.  After my divorce, I truly had to force myself to do anything relating to the holidays.  For me it was just a big ball of loss and lack.  I didn’t want to feel like that.  I wanted to be excited, enthralled, and whimsical about the holiday season.  But I just couldn’t muster it up. 

Last year was my turning point.  You see, I realized I had been living in the past in my relationship to the holidays.  I wanted what was gone.  I wanted my Mom!!  I wanted her to take care of everything and make it the blissful holiday of my youth.  I wanted the yearly shopping trips to occur again.  I wanted my Christmas of youth.  And so I realized as I was putting the ornaments on the tree last year that it wasn’t going to happen.  My Mom wasn’t going to magically appear and I wasn’t going to zap back in time.  This was what I had.  Me, my kids, my family and my friends.  It was time to grow up and stop pouting for what I lost and instead make the holidays mine. 

This year I bought a fake Christmas tree.  Yes, I thought my Mom was going to come and haunt me for blaspheming the art of Christmas, but I was tired of paying a king’s ransom to have the scent of pine in my house.  So I broke down and bought a flocked, fake Christmas tree.  You know what, the Holiday police did not show up at my door to haul me off to Scrooge jail.  In fact, the tree is gorgeous.  And better yet, I don’t have to freeze for the next few weeks to keep it alive. 

It’s about progression.  It’s about owning the holidays just like the rest of your life for yourself.  So, realize that it’s not about the gifts or the goodies.  Yes, they are fun and wonderful, but they should not be the focus.  Take the time to evaluate what it feels like to sit around your holiday table.  Do you feel warm and fuzzy from the food, love, and laughter?  Do you wish you could be anywhere else having toothpicks stuck under your fingernails?  Take stock.  Then remember, these people are not going to be around forever.  If that makes you sad, get your flight reservations.  If it makes you smile, then find a bathing suit and some sunscreen and do the holidays your way.

Whatever way you chose, chose for yourself.  Don’t let the “universal rule book” dictate your giving or getting in these times of celebration.  Instead, treasure what you had and keep it warm in your heart.  Or let go of what pains you and create a holiday that makes you happy instead.  Whatever the case, this is your time and how it flows is up to you. 

So when you think to yourself that you can’t hear another carol or wrap another present.  Stop, make yourself a hot buttered rum, and celebrate yourself and the life that you created!  Trust me there is no better present than giving yourself the present!

Blessings,

Lorena